Episode 2; Who Nose?
Scene 1; The Tardis
Jen: Ooh! Let’s go on another adventure!!
Dave: No, let’s go somewhere where I won’t be tempted to kill you. Hmmm... how about the planet of Germanica, in the galaxy of Europa. I’ve heard about a great Queen there.
Jen: A queen?
Dave: Queen Sabine, the most fearsome Ferrari driver in the galaxy!
[he dribbles]
Jen: [unimpressed] Whatever. Are there cute guys there?
Dave: No? Why would I go somewhere with cute guys? I’m straight...
Jen: ...As a roundabout!
Dave: [annoyed8] No, I fancy girls.
Jen: I turned you straight!!
Dave: You nearly turned me gay!
Jen: DAVE’S QUESTIONING HIS SEXUALITY!!
Dave: [shakes head and gesticulates] WHAT?!1
Jen: LOL! Do that again!!
Dave: No. Stop being stupid and immature. If that’s possible... oh, look – we’re here!
[they leave the Tardis and see some bearded, singing locals in lederhosen]
Jen: Why are there so many pairs of lederhosen?!
Song 1: Oh Queen Sabine
Heinrich: Guten morgan, guten tag!
Having fun here? Yes, ja?
Ich bin Heinrich, super rave!
You are the mysterious chronicled Dave!
Jen: He is Dave and I am Jen
I’m here for some Frontalknutchen!
Put the key in A-minor [oo err!]
ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!
[Dave looks annoyed9]
Germans: Ooh, ooh, ooh la la
We love Germanica !
It makes us go ‘Wowzer !’
Unlike your British schizerhausen!
But you haven’t heard enough
The reason for all this love
Is our glorious queen
Oh WE LOVE QUEEN SABINE!
German #2: You, boy with the ears
Do you like Top Gear?
Sabine is our racing minx
You will love her lots methinks!
Dave: Top Gear is my everything
But my ears stopped me racing
So now they are verboten
Like my annoying assistant Jen!
Germans: Ooh, ooh, ooh la la
We love Germanica !
It makes us go ‘Wowzer !’
Unlike your British schizerhausen!
But you haven’t heard enough
The reason for all this love
Is our glorious queen
Oh WE LOVE QUEEN SABINE!
[Sabine appears]
Sabine: What is this commotion?
Oh my heart is set in motion!
[Dave is excited as she is looking at him]
Sabine: Oh, this will go so far...
It’s the ultimate racing car!!
[She runs over to the Tardis. Dave looks upset. End of song]
Sabine: [to Dave] Who the hell are you? Not more English arses who make fun of us losing the second Galaxy War...
Jen: Dave, move your erection, I can’t see!!
[Dave looks annoyed10]
Sabine: So you fancy me?
Dave: Errr... [blushing] Errr, no.
Sabine: Hmmph! I will lock you in my sex dungeon until you do!!
Jen: DAVE!! Careful, you’ll have someone’s eye out with that!
[Dave is too busy drooling to reply]
Jen: DAVE, I was just being annoying and you didn’t notice!
Sabine: Hmm... do you fancy me?
Jen: I’m as straight as a-
Dave: -Steering wheel.
Jen: Yes, why don’t you ask Dave about being gay, he knows all about it!
Dave: [shakes head and gesticulates] WHAT?!2
Sabine: Now that I come to think of it, you’re wearing too much make up to be straight!
Dave: Wow... dribble...
Sabine: They ARE ears you have there...
[in Sabine’s sex dungeon]
Dave: Aah...
Jen: She’s not ACTUALLY going to shag you, Dave.
Dave: Aaaah...
Jen: Dave, are you having a-
Voice 1: I was on the Internet this week and I found THIS!!
Voice 2: Jezza, put my ‘hamster’ away!!
Voice 3: 219,875 bricks... 219,876... 219,877... done!
Jen: STIGGY!!
Dave: What the-
Jen: Ooh, aah, yes, that tickles!!
Dave: That is DISGUSTING!! Oh my God, it’s my idol and lord-
Jezza: But enough about me. You’re all fat, stupid and American.
Jen: YES! YES! YES! Hammond, put on your riding outfit and join in.
May: [to Dave] Your knees appear to be different sizes!
Dave: ...
Jezza: Come on May, batchelor boy. Stop perving on that young, castrated, eary ugger.
Dave: OMG, Jeremy Clarkson is talking about me!!
Jen: Hang on, Dave, we’re supposed to be busting out of here. Wait – you have a sonic screwdriver – use it to dismantle the prison bars and LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!!
Dave: [forgetting who he is talking to] Oh yes, good point! [realising Jen made this excellent point] No it’s not, it’s a simple, obvious point that I was about to make.
Jen: Well... what are you waiting for??
Dave: Erm, I need to power the screwdriver up.
Jen: LOL-
Dave: [annoyed11] It’s not what it sounds like. Shut up.
[he gets it out – oo err – and blasts them out of the dungeon]
Scene 2; Running Riot In Sabine’s Castle [oo err]
May: Wow, look what I found! This is amazing!!
[they all stop to look at what May is pointing at]
Dave: It’s a painting. So?
May: It’s an 18th century painting by Yogi, a relatively unknown artist from Flanders in Australia who was able to strip, paint and iron his wife’s mankini while kite-surfing on a shark!!
Hammond: ... I can’t reach the door handle!
Jen: Dave will “turn the knob” for you!!
Dave: [annoyed12] For the last time, I’M – NOT – Sabine?!
[Sitting on Sabine’s throne is a creature small and hideous to look at and smell and hear. It isn’t Dave, though. But it’s not Sabine either.]
Jen: I know you’re not Sabine, Dave...
The Creature: HI GUYS!
All: Argh!!
May: [cheerfully] Hi mum!
Jen: You’re related to that- that- thing?!
May: Hang on- oh no, you’re not my mother. My mother has a slightly larger dimple on her left thigh, near her birthmark of Bart Simpson.
Dave: [not noticing May’s septuagenarian-style vision] But how...? And why...? You aren’t Sabine! SABINE!! WHERE ARE YOU??
TC: She’s FINE. GOD. He-llooo Sexpot!!
[Dave looks frightened]
Jezza: But enough about me. I was on the Internet last night and I found THIS!
[pulls May’s trousers down. Hammond, Jen and Stig are distressed, May doesn’t even notice, and Dave is sobbing over Sabine]
Jen: Errr, Dave, we’re in the middle of a CRISIS, and you’re crying over some old German bint?
Dave: [annoyed13] She is the love of my life!!
[Jen does her Leg Up hug]
Dave: [upset and annoyed14] SABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE-
Jen: Dave, Dave, Dave...
Dave: [superlatively annoyed15] Yes, that IS my name, get to the point!!
Jen: One; you’re English. Two; you’re male. Three; you’re a Timelord. That means you have a STIFF – oo err!! – UPPER LIP. You do NOT cry, you SOLVE PROBLEMS AND KILL EVIL ALIENS!!
Dave: Errr... yes... ok then. [to Creature] Oi, get your hand off my ‘screwdriver’!!
Creature: IT TELLS ME TO HELP PEOPLE IN THE BIBLE. I’M JUST TRYING TO OBEY THE LORD BY HELPING YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY!!
Dave: Oh no, not more Christians!
[Jen does a Leg Up at him. He looks annoyed16]
Dave: What was that for??
Jen: WE AGREE ON SOMETHING!! Anyway... I’ll go look at the Creature’s Bible – your crotch is mine!!
Dave: [to Creature] What species are you? I haven’t seen any of you before.
Creature: MY NAME IS IMP. I’M A SERVANT OF THE LORD!
Jezza: No you’re not, I don’t hire uggers like you!
Creature: MY LORD DOES NOT JUDGE ON PERSONAL APPEARANCE!
Jezza: If he did, you’d never get employed!!
Jen: Ooh, look at this – “Imp Seduction Technique #2 – Play hard to get!”!!
Creature: [chasing Dave] FUCK MY BRAINS OUT, DAVE!
Dave: Get away from me!! You are worse than Jen!
Jen: “Dear Diary, I love history sooo much! In fact, it has inspired me to take over the galaxy to spread the word of Christianity and history with my soon-to-be lover RAN... Dear Diary, today I had a vision of an absolute hottie with big ears...”
Jezza: I haven’t got big ears!
Jen: “It was on the planet of Germanica. Now I know what I must do! In the dream, he came into my boudoir...” Oo err! “And we...”
Creature: OI, PUT MY DIARY DOWN!
Jen: Pfff!! [points at its nose] Look at the size of THAT! If you and him had children they would have GIANT features!
Jezza: But enough about my-
All: SHUT UP!
Jezza: Americans!
May: Oh look, my trousers fell down.
Hammond: That happened a whole page ago!!
Dave: [in realisation] YOU’RE part of the Library Alumini, the last of your kind! You were a sad legion of nerds who patrolled the library and had fun catching, killing and eating people who talked or ate in the library!!
Hammond: No I’m not!
Dave: Not you – the Creature!!
Creature: I’m not the last of my kind...
Jezza: I was a nerd too!!
[he transforms into a Pixie lookalike]
All: ARGH!
Jen: [to Dave] Don’t look at its face – you’ll turn to stone!! Look at me and only your ‘Tardis’ will!
Dave: [annoyed17] Shut up. Any more pesky aliens? [to Jen] Are YOU one?
Jen: Yes – it’s alien that you would fancy a girl!
Dave: [even more annoyed18] Nerds... hmm... Hammond?
Hammond: No, I like riding horsies and looking small but...
Jen: Shaggable?
Hammond: ...In riding gear!
Dave: Stig?
[Stig stares at him. Dave looks scared]
Jen: Stiggy... I’ll ‘drive’ you round the test track!!
Dave: With fear!!
[Jen ‘Legs Up’ Stig. He does not respond]
Jen: Brilliant! Hang on Dave, you’ve missed the obvious one!
Dave: What, the Tardis??
Jen: No, you eary fool!!
May: I was a librarian once!
[They wait for him to transform]
Dave: Err... aren’t Pixi Obnoxio Saddo Magnus Nosey meant to transform as soon as they out themselves?
May: Yes, they are!
Jen: Go on then!
May: Well, you see, when I was a little boy, with a fascination for leopard skin tractors and my mother’s steak puddings...
Jen: Oo err!!
May: ...I...
All: GET ON WITH IT!!
May: I’m NOT a Pixi Obnoxio Saddo Magnus Nosey...
All: What?!
Dave: So we have two Pixi Ob-
Jen: Just call them Nerds!!
Dave: [annoyed19] You interrupted me in my flow!!
Jen: Oo err!!
May: What IS this ‘oo err’?
Jen: [rolls eyes and Legs Up Stig again] When someone says something that could be construed as something rude – no matter how much thought you have to put in before it becomes rude – you say ‘oo err’!
May: I see! [writes in a battered notebook with a picture of bricks on the front]
Dave: So... let’s kill the Nerds, save Sabine and make HER my assistant instead!!
Jen: Me, Queen of Germanica?! That’s nearly as much of an honour and power trip as being School Magazine Editor... [goes starry eyed]
Dave: Oh, wait, I couldn’t ruin Germanica like that.
May: Oo... err!
Jen: [amazed] Even I couldn’t make that into an innuendo!! He’s learning faster than I thought!!
Dave: You realise it’s been two pages of irrelevant nonsense since Jezza transformed, and we’ve done nothing about it?
Jen: You know what that means?
Dave: No... I’m sure it’s something vulgar though.
Jen: SONG TIME!!
Song 2: Pixi Obnoxio Saddo Magnus Nosey; The Revenge
Creature: Doctor Dave,
Your time is up
Me and Jez
Is gonna duff you up
Jezza: Your face
Looks like a turd
Before you perish
Have you last words?
Dave: [spoken] No, why?
I’m not going to die!
Jen: Or I will cry...
Dave: *sigh*...
Jez and Creature: We iz well cool
Like we woz in skool
Go!, Go!, Go!
Pixi Obnoxio!
We iz takin’ over da galaxy
Da way it shud be
Go!, Go!, Go!
Pixi Obnoxio!
Creature: Doctor Dave,
You’re so fit
We can save you
From calling it quits
Jezza: Your biggest weakness
Is your pride
Save Jen...
Dave: ...And Sabine is mine?
[end of song]
Jezza: WE SHALL PUT JEN INTO THE FIREY PIT AND IF YOU ARE TRULY A TIMELORD, YOU SHALL SAVE HER!
Jen: [desperately] Stiggy!!
[Stiggy fights Creature to save her and knocks the Creature into the fiery pit]
Creature: MY NOSE... ERK... DAAAAAAAVE...
[Jezza restrains Stiggy and lowers Jen into the fiery pit]
Jen: [laughing] WILLY! POO! BUM!
Dave: [annoyed20] Oi, stop it, or I won’t save you!!
Jezza: Sabi----ne... She luuuurves you... Save Jen and she’ll save you from dying a viiirgin...
Dave: But she’s so stupid and pointless and immature and dirty minded and rude about my ears and... SCREW SABINE!
Jen: Oo err!!
Dave: Hmmm... but oh, I love her... maybe... oh, my ears are so confused!! I’LL SAVE YOU JEN... DON’T LET GO OF MY EARS!!
Jen: Yay! Now I can cause more havoc and mayhem!!
Jezza: [startled] You saved Jen?? You ACTUALLY saved her?!
Dave: [annoyed21] Only because of a stupid test of my love for Sabine! Where is she??
[another POSMN appears, more hideous than ever before]
May: Is that my Great Aunt Hilda?
Creature #2: I- AM- QUEEN- SABINE!
Dave: YOU MEAN I SAVED JEN FOR NOTHING?!
Jen: Yessss!! Get in!!! Sti-ggy, yoo hoo!!
Dave: [annoyed22] Not again!! ...Sabine? How could you? You offered me my one chance to lose my virginity!!
Jen: Use it and lose it!!
Dave: [more annoyed23 than he’s EVER been, and that’s VERY annoyed24] I WILL PUSH YOU BACK INTO THE FIERY PIT!
Sabine and Jez: We’ll help!!
[they chase Jen and Stig (who are attached at the – well – use your imagination) around. May gets his camera out]
Jen: Careful not to rip the petals on the flowerhole – this is a very vigorous workout!!
May: Oo... err!
Hammond: Let’s save Jen – she would be an excellent replacement for Jezza!
Dave: [shakes head and gesticulates] WHAT?!3
Jen: LOL-
Dave: Stop it!!
Jez and Sabine: KILL HER...
Dave: Wait a minute, YOU’RE the bad guys! Not Jen! She’s just the annoying25 one.
Jen: Wahey!
[Dave uses his sonic screwdriver on the Creature #2’s nose. It falls off... oo err]
Creature #2: NO!! MY NOSE BALANCES THE WEIGHT OF THE BIBLE UP MY BUM!
[she falls into the fiery pit. Jezza grins evilly]
Jezza: I WILL SMASH YOU INTO THE PIT WITH MY BUGATTI VEYRON!!
Dave: Well, I have nothing left to live for. And death by Bugatti is how I’ve always wanted to die (other than being crushed beneath Sabine’s...
Jen: Dave, you slag!! Don’t give up, you big eary idiot! Did I say big? I meant... OMG WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!
[She closes her eyes as the Bugatti hurtles forwards. Dave grins as they are about to be mown down. Suddenly, a Fiat Panda tootles up in front of the Veyron, driven by Hammond, May and Stig. The Veyron falls in the fiery pit. Dave sobs uncontrollably]
Dave: BUGATTI-----------
May: Don’t be silly, it’s a Bugatti! It can fly out of the pit totally unscathed!
Jen: What about Jezza – he was in the car! Will he survive? Ooh, naughty Stiggy!
Dave: [annoyed26] That is indecent!!
Hammond: Jezza is allergic to fiery pits ever since a cheeky American pushed him near one!
Jen: I love Americans! Which one?
Keith Murray from We Are Scientists: I didn’t MEAN to push him near it, it was an accident!!
DOON DOON DOON!!!
Next, on Doctor Dave...
Keith: I heard you singing in the shower!!
Dave: [shakes head and gesticulates] WHAT?!
Dave: [to Jen] I’d like a fling with you...
Keith: Are you no good at it?
Dave: I’ve never done it!!
Keith: You’re not wearing any underwear!!
Dave: I didn’t realise my flies were undone...
Jen: Err, he was kidding... are you actually not wearing any underwear?
Sauron: Moohaha – you will all die!!
—————
