[NB: No offence to Judd boys. This was written when I still despised them, like Spongebob or Cliff Richard]
Prologue
An Interview With The New Doctor Who Producer, Steven Moffat, Before The New Series ‘Eyre’d
Interviewer: So, Steven – first question, how have you shaken up the hugely popular Doctor Who formula?
Moffat: Well, my musical talents were once showcased in Coupling...
I: You’re referring to “Susan, The Happy Trotting Elf”?
M: But of course. So anyway, the new Doctor Who is more musically charged; the Timelord has many talents, why should singing not be one of them?
I: Many fans are perplexed by your decision to pick unknown actor Dave Eyre as the Doctor – a huge risk as he’s not famous [or indeed an established actor in any way], or even good looking...
M: A crazed Coupling fan and ‘friend’ of his sent us a charming email begging us to cast him – and with Dave Tennant buggering off to sporran about in Shamlet, well...
I: We heard there were problems backstage, in crew fighting perhaps?
M: No, no, just Dave’s ears getting stuck in the Tardis. Oh, and him running away from Jen...
I: That would be Jen ‘der Bende’, the new assistant?
M: Yes, indeed.
I: So tell us about her.
M: She’s a very, erm, colourful character... we hired her when she visited backstage and saw the chemistry between them! Oh, and her beautiful speech about how Jeff from Coupling is really God. When Dave complained, she said she had some VERY interesting secrets involving his bottom to tell unless he complied... that was the end of his complaint!
I: She sounds scary!!!
***
Episode 1; “WHAT?!”’s Up, Doc?
Scene 1; The Tardis
[Emily and Dave Tennant are by the Tardis pool, larking around]
Emily: [to herself] Aaah... I love the Doctor sooo much!
DT: Aah... [to himself] I love saving the world and thanking my assistants, by cavorting with them and then leaving them on distant planets when they get all clingy and want commitment, sooo much! [to Emily] Aha! Here we are, the distant planet of Snoaks, near the forest of Pikey Wood and the Tonne Bridge. Let’s explor-
[he opens the Tardis door when an acne-covered youth throws a chair at him]
DT: OWWW... MY “SONIC SCREWDRIVER”...
Emily: [distraught] Nooo!!! David!!
DT: Actually, in this particular artistic endeavour of mine, I’m the Doctor. Where was I? Oh yes. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH – NOOOOOOOOOO – I’M REGENERATING...
[Emily screams like a gay while DT turns round and glows lots of pretty colours. Suddenly his ears expand, like, a million times. The new Doctor turns round, shakes his head and gesticulates with his hands...]
Dave: WHAT?!
Emily: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! WHY DID THEY KILL OFF DAVE TENNANT FOR YOU???
[She dies from depression. Dave shrugs]
Dave: Ah, I spot some earbuds. They’ll be useful, my earwax has quadrupled in the process of regenerating.
Acnefied Youth: Spots? Are you laughing at me?
[thankfully, the Youth spots a goat and leaves the Tardis. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters]
Jen: Have you got a “sonic screwdriver”?
Dave: No, why would a doctor like me need a screwdriver?
Jen: [eyebrowz] You don’t have a screwdriver?
Dave: No. Go away now, you’re annoying me.
Jen: AHA! A screwdriver! That’s a nice big one!
Dave: How did you even get in?
Jen: Oo-err!!
Dave: [annoyed1] How did you get into this Tardis? DON’T MAKE THAT PHRASE RUDE!
Jen: The acnefied youth’s goat nibbled the door off!
Song 1: Get Out My Tardis
Dave: What on earth is going on?
All sense and reason seem to have gone
I don’t know who, who are you?
You’re bothering me and my ears too!
G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: Show me space travel bliss!
Dave: G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: A ‘please’ wouldn’t go amiss!
Dave: G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: What sort of welcome is this?
Dave: G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: Jen, my name is!
Dave: Just get a-way----------------
What on earth is happening?
All my innermost thoughts I now sing
What can I, can I do
In order to dispose of you?
G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: Show me space travel bliss!
Dave: G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: A ‘please’ wouldn’t go amiss!
Dave: G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: What sort of welcome is this?
Dave: G-g-g-get out my Tardis
Jen: You’re not the fittie I wished
Dave: Just get a-way----------------
An assistant is what I need
Jen: For the job I volunteer me----
[end of song]
Dave: You’re not becoming my assistant!!
Jen: Yes I am!
Dave: But I hate your guts!
Jen: Yeah well, Steven Moffat hired me, so there!
Dave: I quit!
Jen: You can’t quit, you’re contracted and your soul belongs to the BBC. Mwahahaha!
Dave: B-b-b-but-
Jen: Yes, news about the wig in your butt will be all over the news unless you stop whingeing...
Dave: FINE! God, I hate you!!
Scene 2 – Still in the Tardis
Jen: Daaaave...
Dave: Shut up and leave me alone. I have golf clubs!
Jen: [innocently] Do you have a nice big driver to hit balls with?
Dave: GRRR... oh, we’re here... the planet of Judd!
Jen: God, what’s that smell?
Dave: The smell of snobbery, misogyny, idiocy and prejudice... beautiful!
Jen: Oi, I’m leaving the Tardis first – ladies first!
Dave: You’re hardly a lady!
Jen: Daaaave...
Dave: [annoyed2] What?
[Jen does her infamous “Leg Up” pose. Dave looks even more annoyed3. Jen exits the Tardis and waits for Dave to do the same]
Jen: Well, what are you waiting for?
Dave: My ears are stuck in the Tardis – don’t you DARE laug-
Jen: LOL!!!
[he turns sideways like a crab and manages to get out]
Jen: Pfff... hahaha...
Dave: Shut up.
Jen: So what adventures lie in wait for us here?
Dave: Well, there’s nothing scary or harmful here.
Jen: Except for your ears!
Dave: Grrr...
[he grabs a youth from the rabble of obnoxious, ugly chimps. I mean boys. It is the same Acnefied Youth that killed DT]
Dave: [so Jen can’t hear] Acnefied Youth!
AY: What?? Do you want a chair fight??
Dave: No... just kill Jen with one of your chairs!!
AY: But she’s fitter than Dame Kelly Holmes in a different way!!
Dave: [annoyed4] No, she’s stupid and irritating. I’ll payyyy you...
AY: I don’t need money; I’m rich, me.
Jen: [looking at the sky] What ho! A lesser spotted tit!
AY: [incensed] Are you laughing at me??
Jen: If I was going to insult you, I’d call you a more spotted moob!
AY: [to Dave] I’ll do it for free. Let me call in the Dickhead Squad.
Jen: [overhearing the last sentence] This may take a while...
Scene 3 – The planet of Judd
Jen: Oh wow!! The boys’ changing room!!
Dave: [annoyed5] No, you can’t go in there!!
Jen: Ohh...
[she spanks Dave in an erotic manner. His ears turn purple and he gets out his Super-Intergalactic Samsung phone]
Dave: What’s happened to my phone?!
[Jen snatches the phone from him]
Jen: Wannawank.com?! DAVE YOU SLAG!!
[She slaps him playfully]
Dave: Stop it or I’ll call in the Daleks!
Jen: They have big... plungers!!
Dave: [dials number and talks quietly] Where are the Dickhead Squad?! What do you mean you don’t have any reason to do it quickly?! Fine, I’ll buy you a new goat. Yes, yes, with Gareth Gates’ face. Ok, FINE, one with Gareth Gates’ face AND four furry bums for you and your bandmates to do multiplayer with it. See you in a-
[Jen steals the phone once more]
Jen: Is this wannawank.com??
AY: [mishearing] Yeah, I wanna wank Scott’s bum...
Jen: Oo-err!!
Dave: I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU!!
Jen: No you haven’t, you’re a virgin!!
[Before Dave can rip her to shreds, either with his manly and experienced hands or his acerbic and sharp tongue – oo err – an assortment of uggers with mean looks and rugby shirts on appear. Among them is the Acnefied Youth, with a special pink version of the uniform.]
Dave: [grumpy but relieved] You took your time!
Jen: [to the Uggers] Any reason why there are zips down the back of your trousers, boys?
[the Uggers seem confused]
Dave: [to the Youth and the Uggers] Well, what are you waiting for?!
Jen: They are undressing me with their eyes!!
AY: NO, we’re undressing DAVE with our eyes!
Dave: What are you waiting for now?? KILL HER!
Jen: Eh?? Why would you kill me?! Was it something I said?!
All: YES!!
AY: But before we kill you, we’ll sing our special song!
[Dave looks annoyed6 while Jen is amused]
Song 2: The Dickhead Squad
Dickheads: Are you ugly?
Are you odd?
Come and join the
Dickhead Squad
It’s a right laugh,
A right rave
An orgy when we
See Dave!
Men in uniforms are so hot
Are you desperate, sad,
Lost the plot?
Come and join the
Dickhead Squad
It’s a right laugh,
A right rave
An orgy when we
See Dave!
Men in uniforms are so hot
People may judge us
‘Cos we’re queer
But the Squad has nothing
Left to fear
It’s a right laugh,
A right rave
An orgy when we
See Dave!
Men in uniforms are so hot
We’ll get rid of
Corrupting vermin
And take Dave when
We’ve killed Jen!
It’s a right laugh,
A right rave
An orgy when we
See Dave!
Men, in, uniforms, are- so- hot...!
[end of song. The squad charge at Jen with butt plug guns. All is lost.]
Jen: Err... err... Dave, look over there – Jeremy Clarkson!!
[Dave looks over there. Jeremy Clarkson is NOT there. However, his ears – being the size of a small large country – batter the enemy. All are slumped on the floor, unconscious, except for the acnefied youth.]
AY: [seething with anger] We may have lost the battle, but not the war! Sorry Dave, but my desire for destruction means you’ll have to die too...
[AY goes to squeeze one of his many, many spots]
Jen: RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!
[Dave grabs Jen and hauls her off to the Tardis before pressing a few buttons and whizzing off the planet of Judd]
Dave: I can’t BELIEVE I saved you!!
Jen: It was MY ingenious idea to use your ears as a weapon of mass destruction! Admit it was brilliant, go on!!
Dave: [surprisingly, annoyed7] No. You’re stupid and a waste of space. Shut up.
NEXT WEEK, ON DOCTOR DAVE
Jen: Look at the size of THAT! If you and him had children they’d have giant features!!
Dave: I’LL SAVE YOU, JEN! DON’T LET GO OF MY EARS!!
Jen: Don’t look at its face – you’ll turn to stone!! Look at me and only your ‘Tardis’ will!!
—————
