Jen's Musicals [& Side Projects]

I've been writing since I could hold a pen, pretty much. My first proper literary endeavour was "Marz Chocolate Planet" aged 7, and my first play, "Goldilocks and the Magic Hair Shampoo" followed soon after. Unfortunately neither of these marvellous yarns have made it onto this computer, so I can only tell you about the recent stuff... here's a timeline of my musicals:

2007

•    Bored on the long drive to Cornwall, Jen begins to write Dave: The Musical. It takes the shape of a love story between naive and innocent protagonist Dave and gorgeous and talented Jen [cough, cough], and features modern masterpieces such as Jen, She Is So Hot She Burns and Get Protected. It is a smash hit as soon as it is sent to all 5 people. Though Dave didn't like it.
•    Work begins on Dave the Musical 2, but stops because Jen can't be bothered and has a better idea...
•    Work begins on Top Gear; The Musical. While very popular among Jen's growing fan base, Jen doesn't like it. She puts it on a break and writes no more musicals until...

2008

•     Jen goes to Italy, and starts to write Italy: The Musical on the plane home. Begun on April 8th, it is finally finished on July 22nd. The fanbase incorporates those who went on the trip as well. Many of the songs actually have tunes!!
•    Following a text conversation with Sara, Jen starts work on Doctor Dave. It takes a new approach to her musicals; instead of being just one full musical, this is split into 8 episodes detailing Dr Dave's adventures. It also portrays Dave as his usual miserable self.
•    Jen begins rewriting Dave: The Musical to give it an actual plot line, and so she can send it to Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and get it onto Broadway... 
•    The idea of an Oasis/Blur musical makes its way into Jen's head, and it's avalanching into a PROPER musical. I.e. one which doesn't star Dave. Or Jen. Or the Stig. Decided to call it Live Forever...
•    After an interesting rendez-vous in Cafe Nero in November, Jen begins writing Princess Dave; The Epic Poem and decides that this will be the last of her Davexploits [well, when she's finished rewriting Dave the Musical and finished Doctor Dave]. It follows Jen and Dave's tempestuous relationship via rhyming couplets and is very well received for its rhythm and rhyme.

2009

• The first issue of Toggle Magazine makes its way into the consciousness of TGS students, and is a roaring success... sort of.

Things To Look Out For In Jen's Musicals...

• So far, they ALL contain Jen as one of the main characters. She always sings. And is amazing.
• Dave is, if not a character, always referenced.
• The phrase "oo err" is uttered frequently
• In Doctor Dave, the times that Dave is "annoyed" is being counted, as is he amount of time he says "WHAT?!" or Jen says "DAVE, YOU SLAG!"
• Jen is usually a bit of a slag. This is not at all true to life...

Jen's Guide To Writing A Musical

• Include yourself as a main character, ALWAYS.
• With the songs, think of a tune as you're going along... otherwise you will be totally screwed.
• Include amusing stage directions!
• Be as camp or rude as you want. It's a musical. The little kiddies WILL NOT NOTICE.

Projects Currently In Production:

MUSICALS

• Dave; The Musical [being rewritten]
• Doctor Dave [4/8 episodes written]
• Top Gear; The Musical [thinking about it again...]
• Live Forever [Writing it up in prose at the moment, done 3 1/2 chapters so far... ONE DAY IT WILL BE A MUSICAL DAMMIT]

OTHER STUFF

• World War III story [as of yet, I'm up to Chapter 1. Ho hum...]
• Toggle; The Sequel [Being planned. Right now.]
• Her Best Sunday Dress [First draft awaiting marking.]

Dave: The Musical... My First and Favourite

    First up: for all you who think I'm an absolute psycho for doing this musical, you're probably right. However, having been down to Cornwall in the car 15 times in the last 16 years, I think I was quite justified in my absolute sheer boredom. That's when it came to me. How else would I think of something like that? Let's not answer...

    From innocent enough origins came genius. Jen, She Is So Hot She Burns - do you have any idea how hard it is to write a song, let alone a tune, in the back of a cramped car with your parents wailing along to a bout of James Blunt? No, you don't. But I did it. The fact is that, in my excitement, I forgot to put a proper storyline in. But that's part of its humble charm. It's such a simple concoction:

Boy [Dave] meets girl [Jen] while being molested by gay best friend [Judd*] and band mates [:P].

 ^{[* the only reason it's Judd and not anyone else is because a) he was the only one of Dave's mates I knew at the time and b) he's ginger. that's all.]}

    That's it!! That's bloody it! That's all you need for a musical! I'm currently rewriting it to add in Daveena [Dave's long lost twin sister, a drama queen and minor slag, with a massive crush on Jeremy Clarkson. Basically it's an earier version of moi] and a real storyline, and then I'll send it off to Andrew Lloyd Webber. Who will LOVE it.

    But why is it my favourite? After all, it's not the most popular [I reckon that was TG the Musical... before I got upset with its lack of structure and rhythm and began rewriting it] or the funniest [Italy: The Musical]. It's weird and it lacks a storyline and there are caricatures of people I barely know. But it was my first. I suppose it's like the first time you have sex (not that I know what that's like...); you'll always remember it. Unless you're drunk. Plus you've got evidence of the musical...

    Also, it inspired me to go and write more. So let's all toast Dave; The Musical!!

S'all from me.

Jen

xxx

The Best Characters...

...from Dave; The Musical

DAVE EARE: The protagonist! Loosely based on real life legend Dave, but in this he is a wilfully sweet and innocent little boy. His ears have made him something of a laughing stock, and his best friend Judd is forever attempting to do interesting and unusual things to him. All he really wants from life is his one true love Jen, who quite frankly couldn't give a toss about him. Sings Jen, She Is So Hot She Burns; Un Client Nul and Jen Love Me Do

Best lines... 

Dave: Oi, come on now Judd, there are no nuts in my boxers.

Dave: Judd? Judd? What's that stick doing up my bum? It's vibrating, and I don't like it.

Dave: Don't try and give me bits of sausage!! I have enough of my own!!

 JEN DER BENDE: The love interest of the protagonist! And what a love interest. However, she's only actually in two scenes. !!!SPOILER ALERT!!! But that's enough for her to provoke a song about protected sex as well as the domino effect of suicide for all the characters. She also dies. Ohhh. Sings Choose Me, Jen Love Me Do.

Best line... 

Jen: He doesn't want you putting your plant in his plant pot!!

 JUDD GINGAMINGA: Dave's best mate and biggest admirer, and a renowned ginger. Will stop at nothing to get to Dave, not even the fact that Dave is [allegedly] as straight as the proverbial ruler. Is also the lead rapper of Four Poofs and a Ukelele [by the name of Big Judd G], and a brothel madam [by the name of... ok, that's too rude even by my standards]. !!!SPOILER ALERT!!! But when Dave rejects him for good, Judd throws himself out of a window. Oops.

Best line... 

Judd: That strategically placed hat is the work of a genius! Namely - me!

 GRABBY: Jen's ex-boyfriend, and the crooner in Four Poofs. Has a strange goat fetish. REALLY hates Jen, mainly because she's totally awesome. Ahh well.

Please note... this was written a very long time ago. I no longer have any 'beef' with Grabby. But I'm leaving him in there, because it's a satire. After all, Dave is supposed to be a sweet little boy AND straight, so it can't be THAT serious.

Best line... 

Grabby: I HATE YOU JEN!! Apart from being a million times too hot to have ever dated me, you've stolen the boy of my dreams!!

 MATT + OLI: The other two members of Four Poofs; Matt's the primadonna, Oli's the randomer with no talent whatsoever. But then let's be honest, their talents basically amount to being bullying arseholes with far too much spare time on their hands in which to insult amazing people they've never met before. But enough of that... They're as gay as Andy Warhol in a tutu and fancy the pants off Dave, Judd and each other.

Please note... this was written a very long time ago, but I still have 'beef' with these two nondescript knobs. I could write some libellous comments here, but I accept that it was a long time ago. But still... what kind of an insult is 'Ms Shrek'? Must've taken them HOURS. But enough, enough.

The Best Characters...

...From Doctor Dave

 DAVE "THE DOCTOR" EARE: The 12th regeneration of the Doctor!! Takes over the reins from Dave Tennant, who dies in a !!SPOILER ALERT!! nasty accident involving an acnefied youth and a chair.  Is easily annoyed and has various mannerisms, most notably his head shaking and call of "WHAT?!" that faithfully follows anything said that is SO ridiculous and stupid that he just can't comprehend how truly STUPID it is. Basically anything that Jen says. Also has a sonic screwdriver, a deep and meaningful love of Jeremy Clarkson and the Top Gear team, is a complete and utter virgin despite being a gay icon, and has never heard any We Are Scientists music [these two last things - the virginity and lack of WAS in his life - go together like Jen and innuendo]. Also falls hopelessly in love with the Queen of the planet Germanica, Sabine. Hates Jen with a passion, and will only work with her on set due to contractual obligations and the fear that Jen will release his dark, hairy secret.

 JEN DER BENDE: The hot, sexy, amazing, intelligent, hilarious, lively, outgoing, profound and modest assistant. Despite "only" being the assistant, she tends to be the brains of the Tardis. However, such beauty and hilarity comes [literally] at a cost... various people seduce her while she's trying to save the world. Not that she's complaining. Alternatively, mad admirers of Dave go mental and try and kill her, overcome by jealousy and rage at the fact that, well, she's way more amazing than them. Madly in love with We Are Scientists - particularly their gorgeous lead singer Keith Murray - and alway handy [oo err] with a round of wink-wink-nudge-nudge jokes.

 THE DICKHEAD SQUAD: A squad of Judd boys, blessed with neither looks, intelligence or wit. Also as gay as Alan Carr and Dale Winton wearing nothing but Speedos in a poodle factory while filming an orgy with David Dickinson. [You may be able to tell that this is in the days before Jen discovered that some Judd boys were actual real human beings, and not just wankers in uniforms.] Lead by an anonymous Acnefied Youth with a penchant for goats, they march around the planet of Tonne Bridge with butt plug guns at their disposal, in between having sex in the PE changing rooms and singing. And taking their GCSEs, I suppose. {Episode 1 & 8}

 KEITH MURRAY: The ludicrously shaggable lead singer of American indie band We Are Scientists. Has a great sense of humour and a lovely voice and is really skinny and looks amazing in clothes and would look amazing without clothes too and I'd take him to my Tardis anyda- Right, I'm rambling. But you get the gist. Falls head over heels in love with Jen, and has BRILLIANT banter with Dave. Who hates him. {Episodes 3 + 4}